I love Myspace. I love people on Myspace, but what I really REALLY love are the girls on Myspace. I don't know what it is but there's a bunch who message me something like the following…
"I love your artwork! you should do a picture of me!<3 br="">
"Thanks for the add Sexy! You wanna draw a picture of me some time? ;)"
You pretty much get the point. Like I have nothing better to do then draw some conceited chick or "internet" model. I actually LIVE for facilitating the divine needyness of girls who didn't feel pretty in high school who now love to be told how "hot" they are by greasy guys on Myspace who look like human boners. I think "WOW!!! If I draw them will I get a pony? Will you pretend to be my girlfriend and make all of my other friends jealous at the next Dungeons and Dragons game?" I mean really… does someone who requests such a thing feel the least bit of apprehension that I might think that they're a complete joke when they finish asking?
So this little rant is about what happens when I get messages like this. So use your imagination with this one:
It's the crack of noon, I just woke up. Here I am in my Spider-man underoos checking my Myspace messages for possible work or funny spam about who has a crush on my penis or whatever. Then I get the "draw me" comment or message from BUNYLUV07 or some other lame shit name.
• First, I sigh. Mainly because it's such a conceited and shallow thing to ask (which we've discussed so I won't repeat too much)
• I then look at their picture.
• I usually laugh. They're usually not attractive at all (That's not fair… everyone has at least one thing that's attractive on them… like their nostrils or an index finger as per some of these girls I've seen). Or they are trying really goddamn hard to try and look attractive. They usually have self-shot pictures that are held at arms length over their heads to obscure their lovely corn-fed gut. The images are usually washed out or photoshopped to hide the… whaddyacallit… oh yeah… mess of their face.
• I send it to my girlfriend. I want her to laugh too but she wont cooperate. I wish she'd be harsh in these instances because mindless cruelty is best shared.3>
• So instead I send it to only a few of my friends. Not too many because I wouldn't want BUNYUV07 to get too much exposure.
• We laugh, because unlike my girlfriend, my friends are complete bastards who long to eat the raw, red meat of a downed bison or water buffalo like the jackals they are.
• Later we joke some more about the large poor wee lass. We talk about how we should draw her but real fucked-up like. With a mustache or with a babyarm or with one eye that kind of looks "that way" too much that's bloodshot, crooked teeth or a hump or riding a donkey.
• We laugh so hard we go drinking, take over a bus at gunpoint and run over a bunch of orphans.
It's an evil thing really, born out of the ignorance of a moment of conceit. This all could have been avoided if common courtesy were kept.
So please… spare yourself some really burning ears and don't ask me to draw you.
Unless you have cash of course.