Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Modern Machismo

I saw this in VICE magazine and it was written by Chris Nieratko, who is also one of my favorite writers in the mag (and also the guy that pukes up all the eggs and eggnog on JACKASS). He's also written a book SKINEMA and you should read it like your fucking life depends on it. Mr. Nieratko... once again you nailed it on the fucking head...


You know what Id like the Nature Channel to do a special on? The extinction of machismo. It seems like my whole fucking generation is a bunch of faggots and it bums me out. And Im not even talking about the Chuck and Buck, suck and fuck, take-it-in-the-ass type of faggot. Through therapy and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Ive learned to tolerate those dudes. My problem is the fashion-victim art fags in the clever hats and too-tight T-shirts and corduroys that think because they dress like a pansy and paint or take out-of-focus photographs they are beyond getting their teeth knocked down their throat. 

What happened to all my all-American blue-collar drunks that enjoy violence for violences sake? Are they all in hiding in Montana or are we just experiencing some kind of generational gap? I look around at these hip bars and I mourn the guy that once struck fear into peoples hearts with nothing more than a sideways glance. He has been replaced by limpwristed, emo computer programmers who wear womens panties and think that drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon is going to put hair on their chest and make them a man. I think we need to take it back to when everyone carried a knife and people got stabbed up on subway platforms just because there was nothing better to do while waiting for the train. This all may sound extreme, but I think its totally necessary. 

Recently I came to realize that people no longer dread the lost art of threatening physical harm to others because no one does it anymore. Someone owed me a large amount of money for some time, and being the nice guy that I am, I allowed him to string me along for months with bullshit excuses of why he couldnt pay me the few thousand dollars he owed me. Once I realized he was taking advantage of my kindness and understanding and had no intention of paying me, it dawned on me that the males of my generation really must think that humanity has progressed so far that it is beyond breaking someones hands for even a few dollars. And it really hurt my feelings to be treated with so little regard, because you know, Im a nice fucking guy. I dont like to tell people Im going to show up to their office with a can of gasoline and a lit cigarette or that Ill be waiting for them at the bus stop with a baseball bat or that I made a copy of their house key that time they let me crash and that if they dont pay up theyre going to have to worry about waking up to a lot worse things than a fucking horse head in their bed. But luckily, it never came to any of that. But I still think we should do something to remind kids that life can sometimes be very painful. Possibly a spree of drive-by shootings. I think we should start in Silver Lake.

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